Let’s (sort of) talk identity politics, shall we?
By this (of course), I mean I am going to get real self-absorbed for a minute and just like, continue to talk incessantly about myself on my blog.
So! Lately, I have been thinking a lot about visibility. Specifically, about just how complex and complicated things are. How having a complex identity that is so barnacled and buried is something I am trying so hard to bring to the surface. How recently, I am being seen in ways that are absolutely and completely blowing my mind. I’ve been being SEEN, y’all. As a queer man, as a gentleman, as a dandy. To be acknowledged for these things as a positive is sort of blowing me away. I am usually so hurt in that place, afraid to show up in my queerness, in the ways in which I am a fag. A chivalrous butch faggot who loves women (among other things). The breadth of this complex identity, the tip of this particular berg has felt harrowing at best and at worst dangerous to reveal. I have felt ashamed and invisible in partnerships and friendships. I even became convinced (and still sometimes am) that these things about me, were not something that deserved space or nurturing. That these things about me, would eventually be the end of me.
Being single has helped me let these parts out. To sort and clutch and sweat all over myself, to be all of the ways in which I am multi-dimensional in the world, and find out how much I want to be seen as more than JUST. It has taught me how to love the people in my life, and the communities in which I orbit in this more holistic and engaging way. Because, what is better than using positive feedback and giggly affirmations to build up the super positive vibes in your life, I ask you?
Also now, dating is totally reminding me how grateful I am to be noticed and stroked and beamed over in this delicate and dizzying manhood I am building for myself. How much I deserve all of it. How much a big spoon-full of reverence can get me.
Both are excellent for my self-esteem and my woo-y-man-ness (another part of the tender teddy of my identity).
So, I think you should tell me how you swaddle all of your gorgeous complexities in love, folks. Go on and spill it. Personally, I’m planning on burning some candles and crawling into my claw foot bathtub tonight while I read a book on Buddhist meditation and eat chocolate torte.
YEAH, I KNOW.