>I am practicing how to say things like, ‘ours.’
I’m not really sure how it happened other than that it has. The LadyFriend is moving across the country to live with me. I mean, we are living together. I’m pretty sure how it started was joking, I’m pretty sure also, that the joking turned into flirting about living in the same city, and somewhere along the way, it became concrete. My friends have been keeping pretty quiet about what they think about all of this, and for that I am also grateful. I’ve also been sort of avoiding them, which could be the real reason I’m not hearing much. I can almost feel them holding their collective breath. I also feel like I am old to be starting an adventure like this, like this should have happened earlier, like I should already be an old hat at the whole deal and I’m not. Next step: Learn to be okay with that.
Basically what’s going on is that I am overjoyed to be sharing a home with my lover. Basically, also, I am scared shitless. This is something that I have never done before, and I feel like its pretty darn important to be honest about it. Even if the only place that I am honest, is in my semi-anonymous online journal. I’m getting ready for her though, in a tangible way. Cleaning out cabinets in the bathroom and space in the closet, spending lots of time in my home before it becomes ours.
I want so much for this transition to be easy for us, for everything to fit together, but at the same time I know that it probably won’t. I know that we will have a lot of things to deal with and work through. Like the fact that I am insane about my space. I am crazy about cleanliness, and orderliness. I know that it gets to the point of ridiculousness and I also know that there isn’t much I can do to change the way I feel about it. This has also been my first time living alone (no roommates, no family.) The first time that I’ve had complete control of a space (well, mostly complete control) and I have settled in. A friend of mine said,
‘Just acknowledge your craziness. That’s what has worked for us (him and his lady) so well. We admit that we are crazy about certain things, and we work out a compromise. Sometimes just admitting you are unreasonable is a really good place to start.’
I am taking his words to heart and spitting them out when I need to, when I’m feeling scared. Without mentioning it, TLF has started to say these words back to me, and I love her for it. Because I know that saying we are crazy is also how we are saying that we love each other enough to admit that.
It’s 9 days until she comes home and I am clenching my fists, white knuckled into the meat of it, waiting. It seems that I am always counting down in this blog and I hope this is the last time.